The Evolution of a Woman
I referred the other day in this blog that I would write and blog about this--"The Evolution of a Woman." It's proved to be more difficult than I thought it would be, so I've procrastinated. I think turning 50 has caused me to look back, and I've had some insights. As previously mentioned, my sixteen-year-old son, Grant, and his girlfriend, Marina, demonstrated some of that agonizing teenage angst recently and it prompted me to dig out my old journals. I was thinking--was I this down on myself at that age? I knew and remembered that I had struggled and then knowing I had reams and reams of my rambling thoughts documented in volume after volume, I actually had my thoughts, my words from that age. So I read through several years--from about age 15 to about 23 for the first time in probably twenty years. It was very difficult to read. MAN, oh man, did I struggle. Then turning 50 and seeing myself having finally evolved into the woman I so wanted to be when I was young! Reading the old journals has been cathartic. It's also been very satisfying! I feel like I've made it, finally arriving at a semblance of the woman I wanted so very much to be--happy, content, confident--well most of the time!! It ain't over yet!! The evolution continues! Still much to learn and more growth to experience!! Yay!
I scanned countless entries looking for one that I could bare to share. So very personal. It seems important to me to express this, to demonstrate the journey. The evolution from awkward, clumsy, lonely, depressed, so down-on-herself teen to middle-aged confidence and empowerment!!
Reading the old journal entries and seeing how very much I struggled with self-esteem issues and how I used drugs and alcohol to numb myself was enlightening and even shocking. You forget--or you just remember what you want to. But I had a serious problem for a few years. I'm amazed I didn't become alcoholic or drug-dependent--and I am very thankful for this. Jug says I just never crossed that invisible line they talk about "in the rooms." What actually happened was I made a conscious decision that I didn't want to be that person I was becoming anymore. When I got back to Wilkes after living in Greensboro going to school, I was determined to be something different, better. I still over-partied some but not as much. Then met Jug that fall (of '79), and we partied together, but more often than not, I would choose to just spend the weekend with my family, eating a meal, and then playing games together rather than going out to the bars where I knew I wouldn't be able to control my consumption. By the time we got married in '81, the party weekends were few and far between.
I think it's significant that I was allowed to go through this in my own way and at my own speed. I heard Bob and Sheri (107.9 The Link) talking one day about the notion of "you ain't the boss of me!" And it seemed very appropriate in describing my attitude all my life. If someone tells me I shouldn't do something, then just like a child, that's just what I'll do! Well, no one ever told me I had a drug or alcohol problem. If I'd been filled with the fear of NEVER being able to drink, my attitude might have been much different. As it was, I just picked it up or put it down as I pleased. And as I aged, picked it up less and less. I just found other things I'd rather do--be with my family enjoying my nieces and nephews, laughing and teasing with my siblings, sharing good times with my parents, etc. And I just so hated the hangovers!! Just grew up enough that I decided it just wasn't worth partying if I couldn't control it enough to not have those god-awful hangovers!
Don't know why I'm writing all this....just blah, blah, blah!! I guess because the entry I am sharing from 1976 mentions my father's alcoholism. What I wrote so clearly demonstrates the sickness of the family of alcoholics. How the focus was on him and how our happiness was dependent on how he was. Al-Anon has taught me so much! One of the first concepts a newcomer to an Al-Anon meeting will hear is that "you keep the focus on yourself and not on the struggling alcoholic." And was most affected by: "find happiness and even contentment whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not" which is part of our opening.
I was initially exposed to Al-Anon in 1979 when Daddy finally went to treatment. Mama went faithfully, and I went with her often. I never really "got it" then. I really think we both just went in an effort to "keep him sober!!" Sadly, Daddy succumbed to his addiction after three years of sobriety, and it ultimately took his life five years after that in 1987. I was exposed once again to Al-Anon in that same year when Jug acknowledged his addiction and found sobriety. And once again, I didn't get the true message of Al-Anon! Still was mostly going for Jug and not for me. We went to AA and Al-Anon meetings regularly for about three years and then let Grant's birth and family life interfere with our ability to get to meetings.
I rediscovered Al-Anon about three years ago now. I cherish my Al-Anon recovery. I never attend a meeting that I don't feel better leaving than I did arriving! And my Al-Anon family!!! What we've shared together and how we love one another unconditionally! I finally, this time around, got a sponsor and started working the steps in earnest. I participated in a 4th-step workshop a couple of years ago that was extremely important in my journey. The 4th step is: Made a fearless and searching moral inventory of ourselves." Huge. Just huge! It was in doing this work that summer that I was able to finally forgive my father, and then was able to forgive myself for so sorely mistreating him the last years of his life. When I was truly able to understand the disease concept of addiction--that my father was a good man with a bad disease and that he never meant to mistreat, neglect his family, never meant to be a bad husband, father, brother, or son. His disease affected everything in his life. Seems that doing this work and coming to see these concepts opened up a dam of new insights and possibilities for new growth. I can't recommend it enough. If you're struggling with relationships, find yourself unhappy more than happy, have addiction issues yourself---give a 12-step group a go. In the cities there are many meetings a day but around here we only have one Al-Anon and one CoDA (Co-Dependents Anonymous which is based on Melody Beatties' work) group/meeting a week to choose from. Currently, I attend them both. I won't stay on the soapbox. That's sufficient!!
So here's the journal entry from June 14, 1976. Wow--don't know if there's anything I want to say about it. Let it speak for itself. It was very hard to find one that I could even share. They are so extremely personal and very painful for me to read. But my writings from then are priceless to me--so glad I documented it, albeit inconsistently (I'd journal every day for months, then not write a line for months!)
Enjoy. And tell me what you think. Do you remember being this awkward and clumsy expressing yourself? It is interesting that I did have a glimpse then of what was to come--what I so desperately wanted for myself! And I laugh at this young Kim! So clumsy with expression and so dramatic!!
The photos show this young Kim....they came from my friend Pam's collection. There just aren't many photos of me and Mel when we were teens. Pam kindly made these available for the 50th party celebration last weekend and I made copies of them.
When Olivia sees photos of me when I was this young--about 21-22 years old, she always comments on my fat full face!! It's the plumpness of youth! I have the saddest slender face now!!! And plump belly!
Priceless!! Pam and me Homecoming 1975. We were part of the homecoming court--she was sponsored by future husband Keith Lenderman and me by cutey-patutey, ultimately broke my heart, Jeff Ray. Don't you love the hair wings? Think that was Farrah Fawcett influence!
Same time frame--1979-1980. We were dressed up for something...maybe Jug's 10 year high school reunion?? Pam and I lived together for a time just off Trogdon Street in North Wilkesboro. We were laughing the other day remembering how we'd divided up chores. I hated doing laundry and she hated doing dishes so she did the laundry for us both and I did all the dishes. We had such fun together!
Think this was at the beach probably about same time.....think we're playing Othello???
June 14, 1976
Monday
Well, summer vacation ’76 has officially begun and I haven’t yet been able to acknowledge it’s arrival. Probably, just as summers past it will breeze by without my being able to keep up with it. Before I know it September will be on me.
We go back to work tomorrow. Daddy’s hand is much better. I’m feeling a little apprehensive about it. He’s been out of work for several weeks now—how have the patients reacted to his absence? I suppose there is some feelings of neglect from them. I pray it won’t be long for us (Daddy) to be back on his feet.
Everyday I find myself feeling astonishingly thankful for Daddy. To me, he’s just absolutely remarkable. He must, he really must want to live; he does love his family; he cares.
For almost my entire life I was never exposed to the real person my father is (was). He began to drink when I was about five years old. By the time I was old enough to need him and to care if I did, he was past knowing. In these past months I’m seeing the real person he is. He really had no personality all those years. So now I’m being overwhelmed with so much of him to get to know all at once. It’s difficult to realize I really have a real father now. I haven’t all these years. He was an object projecting all the hurt my family ever felt. Now, he’s the object projecting our joys. He’s capable of making us indescribably content with our lives; our family and also of making us feel rejected, dejected, hopelessly lost. He the axis on which our lives evolve. He’s our happiness and joy, our fears, pain, and sorrows. He’s all this because of all he’s struggled through and above. He’s more than worthy of the respect and admiration I feel for him. He fought a losing battle and has now won. The prize was living.
Throughout this entry I found myself inexcusably struggling in search for the right words. I feel I only “half-ass” expressed myself. I don’t think my heart (or mind) has really been “into it” tonight with this. So, perhaps this entry shouldn’t be taken too seriously?
I’m young, I’m restless; I have only this life to live as far as I know and I want happiness,; to be content. As the courses in my life come by I’ll take them one step at a time. I have the rest of my life to just make my mistakes and learn from them then, not now. I don’t know all the answers. I have to do what feels right and if I’m wrong, I’ll learn from that mistake then. I can’t learn form mistakes I haven’t yet made. All of life and love is a venture, but you always gain. If a mistake is made, you don’t lose, you gain; you gain the knowing of what you did or thought wrong. So, even if I lose (or am wrong), I win. My mind and soul are still only growing and there’s much more to come. So, to the fullest extent I can, I’m going to live this indescribable life I have yet to live.
;
It’s astounding how different my outlook is now compared to a few months ago. I like me now a bit more than I did then. I’m going to make mistakes and be frustrated, confused, and sometimes lonely all my life. These things don’t make me the undesirable person I imagined myself to be. I for sure got my hang-ups, but I’m learning I can and am living with them.
